Dear Jake,

I had such a fun weekend with your sister and your two nieces. They bring me so much joy, but at the same time, I am reminded that I will never have you and your family visit me here in Iowa. The house has been taken over with toys and cereal everywhere and non-stop action. You were supposed to have a family and I was supposed to have more grandkids. Now, I only have your sister and her two girls, and I am boy-less. I don’t know if your sister will have any more children. You might always be my only boy.

Your oldest niece is now five and in kindergarten. She realized that her younger sister (born while you were gone) will never have any memories of her uncle Jake. I told her that she’ll have to tell her baby sister all about you and how fun you were. She remembers her dates with you to Toys R Us and Chik-fil-a, and the time you took her to the movies to see “Frozen” just before you deployed. Jake, she talks about you every single day. I don’t think any of us will ever go a day without thinking of you.

Grandpa’s visit overlapped with the girls’ time here. It was fun for all of us to be together. Grandpa isn’t one to talk about you, and when I bring you up he changes the subject. In the beginning it made me upset that he wouldn’t join me in verbally remembering you, but I know he does remember and I think it’s just hard for him. I’m sure he never thought he’d ever bury one of his grandkids.

I’m still trying to keep myself busy. I’m working on my family history and helping others find their ancestors. I constantly think about you and wonder how many of ours that you have met. I wonder how you are helping in the afterlife. I know whatever you are doing, it is magnificent and I am so proud of you, Jake. You warm my heart every single day, and every day that same heart aches to see you, touch you and speak to you again.

I have a friend who is also a Gold Star Mother. She sent me a message that her 32 year-old son was just diagnosed with cancer and has only 6 months to live. My heart has been breaking for her. She will outlive two sons. I am trying to help her find an apartment so that she can stay with him until he leaves this world. There is always someone out there with a struggle greater than mine, and this gives me an opportunity to love and support her the best I can.

Our children aren’t supposed to leave us. Sometimes I shake my head and repeat, “I don’t understand” over and over again, but I think I do. It’s just too hard to accept. With all my heart, I love you, Jake. Please stay close to me so that I might feel your presence. This is one of my greatest desires.

My sweet Jake,

Some days I cry and some days I don’t, but I always miss you and I always hope and pray that you are happy. It’s interesting how God places people in our lives when we need them, and if we aren’t paying attention I think we miss it.

My friendship with this sweet 95 year-old man has become one of the highlights of  my week. We pick him up for church and I visit him a couple of times during the week. He never married and has no children, so he is literally alone. I think losing you and moving to a new state at the same time has made me more aware of loneliness, and allows me to see it more easily in others; a new ability I think. I do all of the normal things, like worry about him, bring him treats, share my adventures and sometimes read with him. He recently got a new roommate named Bob who is an Army veteran and cannot speak. When I saw his “Veteran” sign, I asked him if he was in the Army and he smiled and nodded. I told him all about you and a tear rolled down his cheek as he listened to me describe what a hero you are. He has a photo button of you in uniform on a bulletin board right by his head so he can see you every day. I can tell he loves it by his expression. He too warms my heart and allows me to shine the love I have for you on him.

On Saturday, several of the moms I’ve gotten to know are starting a new Gold Star Mom chapter in Iowa. I guess there hasn’t been one here since 1949. Other than service, nothing brings me more comfort than other Gold Star parents. Just being around them brings a peace that I cannot articulate. I hate that any of us belong to this group, but at the same time I am so grateful that we are here for one another.

Today I was finger-printed at the VA Hospital as part of a back-ground check. I’ll be volunteering in any way I can to help your brothers and sisters. I have been in touch with the 14 that were wounded in the helicopter crash with you. It’s quite incredibl;e that you were the only death. Your lieutenant is still an inpatient after more than 8 months and another just had surgery on both knees again yesterday! My heart breaks for these men because they are tied to you and I know how much you loved them. If I can love any of them back, I will. Max will sometimes go with me to the hospital when a therapy dog is needed. He has a little camo vest. You would love it! I think he’ll enjoy spending time with the vets and I pray he’ll bring them some comfort and healing. He’s such a good boy!

I am so grateful for these opportunities to love others and the way it benefits my own healing. I am certain we’re meant to love one another through this difficult life, and I have learned that service benefits the giver more than the recipient. I already know you know this. I know how big your heart is and I am more proud of you as each day passes. I am learning the truth to “only the good die young”. You are truly a good soul. I love you so much, Jake and every day I dream of the day I will see your beautiful face again!