Wow! What a fun night! I keep thinking that I wish you were there, but I am certain you were, since all of your favorite people attended to honor you! These things remind me how loved you are, and at the same time I’m feeling a bit of anxiety. My anxiety come because these celebrations will soon come to an end. What happens when they do? Will you be forgotten? Will people still remember and honor you? Logically, I know many of us will never forget that you lived and that your life improved ours. Emotionally, I worry because I am your mom and that’s my job. I remember the day I became a mother, your grandpa kissed me and said, “Congratulations. Now you get to worry for the rest of your life.” No truer words have been spoken, but I need to remember that I no longer have to worry about you. These adjustments in my role as your parent are so difficult to make. Not worry about you? My most precious child?

When they brought us down on the floor at the game, I was a bit nervous to stand in front of all these people. To honor you, the boy I brought into this world. It was overwhelming! The announcer then said these words:

“Ladies and gentlemen. Please hold your applause for a moment. The Denver Nuggets are proud to honor a very special family tonight. We’d like to welcome the family of Private First Class Jacob Wykstra. Jacob Henry Wykstra was a Colorado native raised right here in Thornton, Colorado. He was fortunate to be stationed in the state he loved so much, serving at Fort Carson in Colorado Springs. PFC Wykstra was and infantryman assigned to the first Battalion, 12th infantry regiment, 4th brigade combat team, 4th infantry division. Last May, in support of Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan, Jacob was killed in an unfortunate helicopter accident. The Denver Nuggets would like to honor Jacob and his family tonight, so please help us welcome Jake’s mother and father along with his sister and wife. Also joining us is some of Jacob’s unit from Ft. Carson. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no greater love than for a man to lay down his life for a friend. FREEDOM IS NOT FREE! We appreciate your son so much, we appreciate your sacrifice and we appreciate you!”

We had many commanders and high rank come by to visit us, your nieces ran all over the suite and had such a great time, your buddies came by to meet us and to talk about you. The only thing missing was you. You will always be missed and loved so much!

It’s been weeks since I’ve written. Time seems to fly by because so much is going on. We’re choosing plans for building our house and finding contractors, I am busy training the dogs, I spend time at the nursing home, my church callings keep me busy, and now I am volunteering at the VA hospital. Today “Max the wonder dog” came with me and the vets loved him. I was chatting with an older man (in a wheelchair and missing a leg) about you and as tears came down his face, he said, “Those boys in the Middle East have it so much worse than we did in Vietnam”. He asked if I was getting the support I needed, and he seemed to be more concerned concerned about me than himself. There are still such good people in this world. So, my schedule is full. I know that keeping busy in general helps me with my grief, but I have learned that serving others is the best way to honor you, my boy with the big heart. I have figured out that my burden is lifted when I help others who have similar or even very different problems. The pain of losing you never leaves my heart, but others can ease the hurt by allowing me to serve them. I am so grateful I have figured this out.

I have lots of new relationships. I have met Gold Star mothers, new friends from church, and I love my 95 year-old friend in the nursing home. None of these people know you but they know about you. I sometimes feel that I talk about you too much and that it might drive people crazy, but I have to do it. Talking about you is how I keep you alive as an active part of my life.

You’re still being honored left and right. We leave for Colorado in a couple of days where you’ll be honored at the Denver Nuggets game, and as soon as we return, we’ll be taking a road trip here in Iowa to be presented with a quilt by “Freedom Quilts”. Friends have been visiting your grave for me, and even another Gold Star mom in Colorado (whom I’ve never met) brought you flowers because her son is buried at the same cemetery. You are not forgotten and never will be. Too many love you to let that happen.

There’s an organization creating a bible for us, and within the bible they bind stories and pictures of you. I have spent so much time almost harassing people to write their stories about you. It’s too hard for your dad to share, but most everyone else in the family shared, as well as friends you grew up with and several of the soldiers you were deployed with. Reading each makes me cry because I miss you so much, but more because of the way you influenced others for good and because you are so loved. I have learned that God needs the good ones, because I have seen this trend as I’ve met other Gold Star families and learned of their children. Jake, I am so happy that you are one of the chosen, even if it brings me heart-wrenching pain. Your goodness continually makes me want to be a better person and I thank you for that. You will always be the bright light in my life, and even though I can’t see you, your presence cannot be eliminated; not even by death.

I am always missing you, but I am trying to make the world a little bit better for those around me as a gift to you. I hope you know how hard I’m trying. I love you my precious boy.