I’m writing to you one last time. This experience has been both difficult and therapeutic at the same time. I’ve put my thoughts and feelings out there to hopefully help someone else who is struggling. I pray that nobody will ever again be in my shoes, but I know better. It’s not possible in this world that becomes more confused and more wicked with each day.
I tear up more frequently but cry less often. It seems to get me in quick splashes rather than the huge waves that used to come, crippling me and alienating me from life. I still break down every now and then and cry until I have no more tears left, but then I pick myself up and try my best to go on.
Losing you has changed me. I was always bubbly and enthusiastic about life, just like you were; outgoing, friendly and always smiling. I’m not at all withdrawn, but I struggle to find that happy woman I once was. Everything about life seems to have a more serious aspect than I once observed. Don’t get me wrong. I still smile continually, but there is less behind that smile than there has been at any other time in my life because my heart is secretly heavy.
My thoughts and feelings about death have changed drastically. I don’t feel sad or afraid about death. It feels like it’s become such a part of my life that I sometimes will it to come, welcoming it with open arms. I know that we’re all here until the Lord decides it’s time for us to go, so until it’s my time I will press forward, determined to do good works and live faithfully each day so that I may see you again. Nothing will stop me from doing everything I can to be with you and others I have loved and lost in this life.
You are the very best part of me, Jake. I will never be complete here without you. I will remain changed, living in this new world that still feels foreign to me. I will try my to succeed here, but I will continue missing the part of me that is you until I see your smiling face again. You have been a magnificent bright light in my life; my greatest blessing along with your sister. With all my heart, I love and miss you. I will say goodbye here and now, but I will never stop carrying you with me until we meet again, my sweet Jake.