Often times the pain and grief exceeds what I believe my mind and body can accept, and this is when I can do nothing but cry to my Father in Heaven for help. I feel so alone. I realize that countless mothers and fathers have experienced this very loss since the beginning of time. War has always existed, but this loss is still so rare I can’t think of a single soul who knows what I am feeling except Jake’s dad. This loss is tremendous and unique.
I had happily and willingly invested and sacrificed almost 22 years of my own life to nurturing, teaching and guiding Jake to become the best at whatever he chose to do in adulthood. Like most parents I gladly made this investment knowing a legacy of fulfilled dreams would be accomplished; grandchildren and great-grandchildren would bring joy and promise to our futures. The world would have new people to influence others for good, leaving their own legacies behind. For this loss I have grieved, but as I pray and study I am reminded of the good news that this life is but a “blink of an eye” in all of eternity. I am reminded that Jake lives and waits for us. That his legacy is not one intended for this life but for the next. I know that Jake is busy doing something amazing. When I feel alone in my grief, I can remember that my Father in Heaven also sacrificed his son for the benefit of others. I know He knows my heart ache and I know he will comfort me when I ask. God blessed me with this wonderful son, and this blessing greatly exceeds my loss even though my loss feels so impossible at times. He gave Jake to me to raise. He trusted me with one of his most precious souls. Although my pain is unbearable, I would not trade one second I had with Jake to take this pain from me now. I love being his mother and for that I’m eternally grateful. I will see him again one day and it will be a wonderful reunion. Until then, I will look forward with gratitude to that special day. I will cry when I have to cry and ask impossible questions, but I will look forward to seeing my precious boy again.
Right now, I am exhausted, heart-broken and lost, and I guess that’s okay for now. I just pray that I can continue to remember the big picture. Now, I simply need to figure out how to be in this world without him and it seems impossible.