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It’s been one month since your death and I still know nothing about what happened to you. I guess the investigation will take a long while, but I don’t even know your cause of death. I will try to be patient.

I smile every single day as I remember you, but I still haven’t had a tearless day. I cry every day and sometimes the pain of missing you is so intense I am incapacitated.

I learned something about support. First, it’s hard to find support from those who are also mourning you because they are so consumed with their own grief that they have nothing to give. Why did it take me so many weeks to figure this out? I was seeking an ideal that is far from reality. I thought we should and could all grieve together, supporting one another. Instead some grieve together and some are shut out. I have been shut out because of your decision to ask me to make your arrangements. Although only one decision was made without the request and/or consideration of others, it doesn’t seem to matter to those who are grieving and angry. I am simply the target and as painful as this is, I suppose I can be that for them. I understand their grief and I can see why they might be angry if they don’t have an understanding of the afterlife. I can imagine asking, “Why?”, and I can imagine the anger and frustration that comes with not receiving an answer to that question, especially when someone is taken in the prime of life as you were.

I’m reading a book right now about a couple who lost their son at seventeen in a car accident. I’m about halfway through the book and although I appreciate her pain and loss, the picture she paints is that of perfection. Her son was perfect, her family seems perfect, their best friends are their pastor and his wife, their house is always full of giving, caring friends… Is that the norm or is this experience I’m having the norm? Where are her angry, hateful people? I might have to stop reading it because I am beginning to resent her. Likely a norm does not exist and likely this is why people don’t seem to know what to say to me.

I have been able to rely on some friends for support but most are geographically far, and like I said, most don’t know what to say to someone who has lost a child. I wouldn’t begin to understand who to reach out to because I have no idea who is or isn’t comfortable with a hurting and crying griever. I do have my sister, Laura I can call with both good and bad news, complain, cry and truly be myself. I think everyone needs at least one true friend and I have that in her. She just gets me and I get her. It’s funny, because we didn’t figure this out until later in life, but her compassion and love bring me such peace.

I do wish I had another gold star mom to share experiences with. I wish I knew what others in this same situation have experienced. I just feel so alone in my situation.

What would I do without my sweet husband? His quiet support and tolerance during my extreme behaviors proves a love like one I’ve never known. He can put his male need to fix things aside and just be with me regardless of my struggle. I haven’t decided if it would be more helpful for him to be Jake’s biological dad and go through this loss with me as someone who “gets it” or if it’s better that he’s a less involved observer. Either way, I am grateful and often feel unworthy of such a decent and loving man.

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