You died 2 months ago today and it’s your niece’s first birthday. I told you she’d be walking when you got home and she is walking. I’m sure you can see her if you want to. I’ve decided that you must be close to us. I feel you. If heaven is truly paradise then you can’t be there missing us or it wouldn’t be paradise. I believe that you are not feeling the pains of this world, but you must be a part of our lives here. We just don’t get to be a part of yours. Not right now.

I’ve been wanting to write, because it seems to help at times, but your sister and your sweet nieces came to visit me and it was really nice to have them to myself for a bit, away from the madness in Colorado. I foolishly thought they would distract me from my grief. Do you remember accusing me of paying attention to nobody else when the granddaughters were around? Although I did love every minute with them last week, I still can’t stop thinking about you no matter who I am with. Right now nothing else seems to matter.

I have learned that grief demands to be felt. I kept it in the best I could for almost a week, crying only in bed, but when I was finally able, I cried from 9 PM until after midnight. Just when I think I feel a little better, something triggers my emotions and I cannot stop the grief. I miss you so much, Buddy. I cannot seem to figure out how to live in this world without you. When you left, a bright light was extinguished in my world and I feel as though I am not living, but simply existing. I don’t feel like I care about things that I once cared about. Sometimes nothing seems to matter. Now that Ray has a permanent job, we could buy a house again, but it doesn’t really matter. I could have a better kitchen and enjoy culinary creativity like I used to, but I no longer care. I could put make-up on my face or wear something other than sweats, but it just doesn’t matter. Sometimes nothing matters but missing you. I am really good at that.

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