I had breakfast with your best friend’s mom. She misses you so much and they both seem to be struggling, especially him. It was great spending time with her and I couldn’t help but think how I wished we could have had more mother-son double dates. I know how much they mean to you and have your entire life. Everyone misses you.

I had lunch with your sister. I love her so much but she becomes more and more distant all the time and it seems everything I do turns around and bites me. I am not very good at communicating with her. I will keep trying and praying for help. She’s all I have besides Ray. I feel so lonely.

The rest of the day has been pretty rough. For the first time I asked, “Why”? I don’t want to pose this question because I know there is no answer, but I need you and I can’t have you. This life seems so empty without you, and my life feels pointless. I know I can find purpose and do some good if I could only feel better physically and emotionally. Oh Jake, I miss everything about you. I miss your smell, your laugh, your smile, your voice; your presence. I am incomplete and I don’t know how to feel whole again without you. You died. You actually died and it’s unbelievable. I love you so much and I am so sorry this happened to you, and to everyone who loves you. This is my life’s greatest trial. Sometimes I feel as though I am dying too, and at other times I’m simply surviving. Shouldn’t there be more than survival? I hate being trapped in this life.

As I lay in bed crying, I have a sense of you next to me. Like when you used to come in and lay down and chat about anything. You would lay on your stomach with your toes pointed in, your elbows bent with your chin resting on your hands. You would talk to me and your chin wouldn’t allow your mouth to open all the way so that your voice was a bit muffled. Tonight I hear you telling me, “It’s okay mom, don’t be sad”. I’m trying, Buddy. I will keep trying.