It’s the middle of the night and although I have medicated myself, I can’t sleep because I just keep thinking of you and wondering what you are doing. I miss laughing with you and I simply miss being in the same room as you. I pray every night to dream of you, but it doesn’t seem to happen much. Maybe when I can sleep without medication. I can’t wait!

I finally received and read your autopsy report. I didn’t request pictures, but I needed to know what actually killed you and how quickly you died. I have been having these images in my head of you trapped, aware and unable to move, but now I know that God took you quickly and I’m so grateful for His mercy. Everyone’s guess was that you died from a broken neck, but your head, neck, jaw, collar bone… Were perfect. Your brain was unharmed. That’s why they let me see you, dressed so nicely in your uniform and looking so handsome. This is why I was blessed with that last bit of time with you that I will always treasure. Other than a cut on your left hand, your torso received all of the damage. Your lower back and pelvis were broken, as well as most of your ribs. In God’s mercy, He allowed a rib to sever your aorta. You died within seconds; unaware of what was happening. I am so grateful for this knowledge and so grateful for a kind an merciful God who loves and cares so greatly for you even in death. I know the love He has for me in taking you so quickly and allowing me a sense of peace concerning the incident that swiftly brought you into His presence.

Although I was able to briefly put my emotions away in order to decipher the six page report, it drained me. I must have experienced some stress in my sleep because I have had increased pain over the last few days. Your death would be so much easier to cope with if I wasn’t so chronically ill to begin with. I got tests back today pertaining to my adrenal glands and some other things and they are not good. It isn’t surprising with the stress of losing you and being the primary target for others who are angry. I hope for your sake, kindness will eventually prevail among those whom you love.

This morning I cried for you as I usually do, but today the pain was like it was when I first received the news you had been killed. Grief is a funny thing. The pain in my heart was so intense and my sense of loss overwhelming. Me and you were always happy to be together, weren’t we? We’re so much alike and I am trying my best to find happiness without my favorite part of me; you. I know you keep watch over me. I sense you and sometimes I feel as if I can almost see or hear you. Please stay with me until I can see you again in the next life. I will always long to be with you and I will always love you more each day in this life and the next!