I often pray to dream about you and it had only happened once in four months but it finally happened again last night. I had a dream and like most dreams it was strange but wonderful at the same time. There were a couple of family members there and we were getting ready for a party for your niece and we were all excited for you to be home but at the same time, we were sad because we knew you were going to die and didn’t know if we should tell you or just let it happen. I went to all of your favorite restaurants and brought home everything you loved to eat and you were so happy! You were laying on the floor on your stomach and I was rubbing your back and we were talking about normal things. You were trying to decide if you should go to the broncos game (as if that would be a tough decision for you) and I told you that I wanted you to do whatever would make you happy. I gave you a big hug from behind and you said, “Thanks Mom, I’ve missed that so much” and then I woke up. You were alive even if it was just a dream and I got to talk with you and touch you and you were alive! It was the first “good” day I’ve had in so long.
Lately, I’ve noticed that talking about you sometimes makes people uncomfortable. Maybe because they don’t know what to say, but I have become more aware of it recently, especially at church. Maybe some feel like I should be over it. Don’t they know that talking about you helps me heal? I don’t know if I should meet my needs or if I should try harder to make those around me more comfortable. It’s so hard to know what to do.
Is it weird that I keep wondering who will die next? I keep wondering who will leave and have the ability to be with you first. I wonder who I will grieve next. Death has become such a common daily thing that these strange thoughts come to me. I think my understanding of eternity might play a role in this too, as I know that I will see you again.
I’m still sad and grieving, but I’m doing okay. I’m still avoiding the contention in Colorado, but I will go for a visit after your platoon returns to meet some of your brothers. I miss you, Jake. I don’t think it will ever go away but I will keep relying on comfort from our Father in Heaven and from the many joyous and wonderful memories of you. I love you with all my heart.