I had a tear-free day yesterday. It’s a little frustrating because it feels good to take a break from the crying, but then again, I feel the guilt. How can I have had a day without crying when I miss Jake so much? I think we establish expectations for ourselves and it can’t be healthy, especially with something as unpredictable as grief. It reminds me of the time I showed up at Jake’s grave without flowers and upon realizing it, I felt as if I was less than a loving mother. I wish I could remove all of the “supposed tos” out of my mind and give myself a break.
My grief has made my chronic illnesses more difficult. I have less energy and more pain. I’ve learned that I can only accomplish one big thing a day, but I foolishly compare my daily accomplishments to my pre-grief days. Today, I cleaned the office. Yesterday, I did the finances, so I still haven’t been to the grocery store. It used to be that I could focus on and complete all of that in one day.
I keep praying to feel better so that I can do more to serve others. I know that this is what the Lord expects, but I am not as good at it as I used to be. Does He understand? Does He cut me a break even when I don’t give myself one? He’s left me here for a reason, so there must be something I need to figure out. I don’t know where to start or even if it’s possible.
I’m not sure I will ever feel like myself again and I don’t understand the purpose of this. I just want to go back in time so my boy can be here and I can feel normal again. I miss him and I miss me. I miss feeling like a part of this world.