It’s Tuesday. I got the grocery shopping done and I’ll be ready to bake tomorrow. I invited people over because I thought it would be a distraction, but I think I made a big mistake. The shopping was more difficult than I had expected, and for the rest of the day I was exhausted with grief. I really do want to have a good holiday and enjoy my time, but I just keep thinking, “I don’t want Thanksgiving without Jake”.

A good friend called when I was grief-stricken. I answered because I thought, surely she’ll understand because she loves me. She has five grown kids, she’s compassionate and kind… Well, she tried, but said nothing I needed to hear. She basically told me that I should just enjoy the holiday and focus on the people around me. It’s clear that all of her children are living because she simply didn’t get it. I think that once the dead are buried and we’ve had a month or two to mourn, society expects us to “get on with it”. But, when someone loses a child; an actual part of that person, there is no “getting on with it”. For the rest of this life, I will feel alone in my grief because I am. I ask for comfort from my Father in Heaven and He sends small blessings to let me know He’s there, but the only thing that could make this all better is Jake, and that will never happen.

Jake, this is for you:

A Picture of You
I only have a picture now,
A frozen piece of time,
To remind me of how it was,
When you were here, and mine.

I see your smiling eyes,
Each morning when I wake,
I talk to you, and place a kiss,
Upon your lovely face.

How much I miss you being here,
I really cannot say,
The ache is deep inside my heart,
And never goes away.

I hear it mentioned often,
That time will heal the pain,
But if I’m being honest,
I hope it will remain.

I need to feel you constantly,
To get me through the day,
I loved you so very much,
Why did you go away?

The angels came and took you,
That really wasn’t fair,
They took my one and only Son,
My future life. My heir.

If only they had asked me,
If I would take your place,
I would have done so willingly,
Leaving you this world to grace.

You should have had so many years,
To watch your life unfold,
And in the mist of this,
Watch me, your Mom grow old!

I hope you’re watching from above,
At the daily tasks I do,
And let there be no doubt at all,
I really do love you.