It’s been 11 months today and I still selfishly want you back. I still can’t figure out why it seems impossible for you to be gone, yet you are. Jake, there is nobody else in my life who is like you, and that has left a huge void that nobody can fill. Should I have had more children? Would I have had another one to lean on, to help me? My mind sometimes wonders, but any of your siblings would have their own grief to deal with, leaving them unavailable to me. I feel selfish in expressing these feelings. I still feel so alone. Will the pain ever lessen? Should I be able to focus on the positive and remember the good times and remove the pain? I want to, but the pain that comes with your absence is often unbearable.

I often think about the “supposed to’s”. I don’t think it’s a helpful thing to do, but it’s probably normal. You were supposed to come home. You were learning about who you are, so that you could chose a career and learn and grow. I was supposed to be “Oma” to your children. I dreamed about who they would be, and often thought about how fun cousins are for kids. Your sister’s kids were supposed to love and play with yours. I was supposed to have all of you together for holidays and summertime at my house. I was supposed to have more time with you, Jake. I wasn’t supposed to lose you. You were supposed to outlive me.

Each day is different. Some days, I can walk by your picture on the wall, smile and say, “Hi Buddy”, and other days that same picture stops me in my tracks and I break down. I know what you would want. I know you want me to smile, to remember you and have faith that all is well. I want so much to feel that way every single day, but it’s just not possible. Will I be able to one day move through my days smiling, absent from the break in my heart? I want that so badly. I want to have a normal day, but the truth is that life will never be normal again. Not for me.

I will visit the nursing home today and get to the grocery store.., and these things help me to feel as if I’m still living life. It’s not the life I wanted, but I promise I will keep trying to be strong, because sometimes when I’m crying, in my mind I hear you say, “Mom, don’t be sad. Everything is okay. I’m doing great.” I will keep trying for you, Jake. I will move forward with the faith that you are doing well, always remembering that I will see you again, and loving you deeply with every moment of every day.

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