I feel as if the world has hidden all joy from me. My heart is broken and it’s not getting better. Maybe I feel a little more connected to the world than I did in the beginning as the shock is on its way out, but I went to bed crying last night. Not just tears, but audible crying and I woke this morning crying before I put my feet on the ground.
I’m told that moving can be one of the most stressful things in life. Check. I’ve read that chronic illness can add overwhelming stress to life. Check. The death of a loved one is right at the top of the list. Check and double check. I am completely overwhelmed. I feel broken and unable to go on sometimes.
Grief is a cruel deceiver. It is so unpredictable, allowing me to have hope at times and then sudden and deep grief as if I just received the news of Jake’s death. The pain is intense and difficult. It is often completely incapacitating. I am so frustrated and tired of the tears and the heartache. I don’t always want to go on. I sometimes think I cannot, but then I don’t get to have that choice.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I have lost such a big piece of my identity, my personality and sense of humor. Where is my love for life? Where is my desire to find enjoyment? I’ve lost so many feelings that are “normal”. Why can’t I find joy, happiness, contentment, silliness, or anything positive? I can find comfort in prayer but sometimes I don’t want to pray. Why?
This is what I hold on to, and this brings me satisfaction; the knowledge and understanding that no matter what happens here on Earth, Jake is okay. Not just okay but even more beautiful than when he was here, and experiencing all of the positive feelings I have lost. I will see him again. I know it with every fiber of my being, but will I experience the feeling of actually living again in this life, or will I simply survive until my time is up? I really don’t know. Lord, please bring back my hope for this life. Please help me to find happiness again here on Earth.