I am too mindful of dates and I wish it would go away. Whenever I see one, my mind instantly thinks about whether you were alive or dead when each event occurred. It’s making me feel like a bit crazy. The same is true with Thursdays. Every Thursday marks one more week that you’ve been gone.

I knew the holidays would be difficult and I’m in the middle of them. I tried, but I just couldn’t pull out the many boxes of memories and decorate. I couldn’t hang the hand-made ornaments your loving little hands made over the years. I can’t hang your stocking that I joyfully stuffed with your favorite things 21 years in a row. I want everything to be okay; I really do, but it’s not. You’re not here. You won’t be coming through the door on Christmas, bringing that special joy that only you can bring.

You died on Thursday, Thanksgiving is on a Thursday and now Christmas and New Years are both on Thursdays. I’ll get through Christmas, and then I’ll be faced with the most difficult thing; starting a new year in which you were not alive. You were still alive in 2014. I saw you, I hugged you, I spoke with you and I spent time with you in 2014, but that will not be true for 2015. I don’t want a fresh new year to arrive. I don’t want to exist in a new year without you.

I am grateful for the wonderful memories I have of so many holidays with you and the laughter you consistently blessed us with. You have been my joy and I can actually smile when I day dream of these special times, but sometimes I just can’t bear the thought of no more new memories. I suppose those will happen later on in the next life, but until then, thank you Jake for the love and laughter you always brought with you wherever you went. I know you continue to bless others every single day. You are such a bright light in my life, and forever and always I will miss you every moment until I see you again.

My last Christmas with you…

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