Because Jake’s best friend now lives in Nebraska, we were able to meet him and his girlfriend at lunch in Omaha. it’s a bit of a drive, but after 15 years of having Alex around, it seemed natural. I first met him when he and Jake were in 2nd grade. Since he lived a block away, I watched him grow alongside Jake, with the two of them sort of glued together. Their relationship consisted of years of Jake performing while Alex laughed, but they also had the closeness of brothers, and were always there for one other no matter what. I can see that Alex is in pain, but I can also see what a blessing his girlfriend is to him at this time when he needs love and support, and that makes me smile. As we shared a meal, I realized that Jake never got to meet Alex’s first serious girlfriend. I also realized that this was the first time I had ever spent with Alex without Jake being there too. It was so bitter-sweet as life seems to be these days. Hardly a situation occurs without the sense of a void. Will the world ever seem right again? Everything is changing with time and it’s changing without Jake and that is hard for me. I’m not one who has ever liked change. I am nostalgic and sentimental and I can even remember feeling sad as a child when New Year’s came. New has never felt good to me and although it is a part of this life, I don’t think I can manage much more of it right now. Ray wants me to choose house plans, but for some reason I can’t even look at them without a sense of feeling overwhelmed. A new house? Another big change?

A Vietnam veteran has drawn a portrait of Jake as an act of service. He has drawn over 3600 fallen soldiers over the years and it turned out beautifully. It looks exactly like him and I love it so much, but it breaks my heart to look at it. There are still so many pictures and items that I cannot have around me because of the pain the sight of them brings me. I can’t figure out why some things/pictures trigger sadness and heartache and some can even bring a smile. At the risk of sounding crazy, doors have become painful. I sometimes catch myself staring at the front door, willing Jake to open it and bust through like he did for almost 22 years; always with a smile and a “Hey mom”. I find it so hard to accept that he will never again come through the door. I will never again feel the joy of him coming home to report whatever it was he had been up to, or to ask how or what I’m doing. How long must I wait to see him again? Only God knows and I remind myself, as I am Jake’s mother, He is my Father and He will do what is best for His children. I just wish I could ask Him why this is best.

A couple of days ago, when I was at the park throwing the ball for Max, a rugby team arrived and began setting up for practice. In all my years of taking my Border Collies for their daily fetches, I have never seen this game, rare in these parts of the world, played. At first I panicked thinking that the familiar reminder of the sport that Jake played and loved would be too much for me, but as I heard the young men laughing, teasing and commenting on one another’s plays I began to smile. I found myself not wanting to leave as the playful banter brought back wonderful memories of Jake and his buddies relentlessly laughing at one another’s expense. It happened in the baseball dugout, at the rugby field, and I have no doubt it happened everyday he spent in the Army.

Ever since Jake was a small child, he valued his friends. These boys seemed to bring him a happiness that he found nowhere else. He was a “man’s man” so it wasn’t surprising that he chose a line of work that involved spending time with guys who would quickly become his brothers.

The last conversation I had with him was after I had read an article about why soldiers want to return to war after they come home. It seems that the camaraderie and the trust they have in one another cannot easily be found in civilian life. They value protecting one another and create a bond through this. I thought this might be a problem for Jake, so I encouraged him to choose a career that involved something similar. Jake thought he might come home and become a fire fighter which would have been perfect, allowing him this need he had spent so many years developing from the boys he played with as a child to the brave men he served with. Although there will be no Earthly future for my son, it makes me smile and sometimes cry imagining this future for him. Is it possible to be proud of him for something he simply thought about and never had the chance to achieve?

Jake, How I wanted to see you continue growing. I looked forward to watching you have a family and achieve so many more wonderful things. Your successes brought an abundance of happiness to me. I am so proud of everything you chose to do with your life, past, present and future. I believe in you and know that whatever you’re busy doing now, you are doing with diligence, hard work and success. I will again someday witness your achievements and continue being the proud mother I have always been.

I haven’t written in awhile. I had your sister here visiting with her girls and we were as busy as you can imagine. We had a princess tea party for Emma’s birthday and I invited all the girls that are her age from church. She had so much fun. Me, Hannah and Emma wrote messages to you on her birthday balloons and let them go. We watched them until they were no longer visible and that’s when Emma said, “They’re in Heaven now”! I have no doubt you got the messages. Emma talks about you a lot. She tells everybody that you are in Heaven with such matter-of-fact innocence. She knows she will see you again and I am sure she’s right. I pray that we will all be together again one day with our Father in Heaven. It is my greatest desire.

Although it was wonderful, having Hannah here made me keenly aware that she is all I have left. I remember when I made the decision to have only two children, your dad said to me, “What if something happens to one of them”? I never believed I would lose either of you, and the thought never crossed my mind until you were deployed and still it didn’t seem real. As I watched the little ones run around and interact with Hannah, I realized that I will never have this with you. When people talk of getting their family together for holidays and birthdays, for me it’ll just be your sister and her girls. I’ll never see the girls interact with cousins and I’ll never get to see both of my children find joy in one another’s kids.

I loved watching you with your nieces, as I imagined what kind of father you would be. I anticipated watching your family grow and wondered what your children would be like. My heart breaks when I think that you will not leave a legacy of children and grandchildren. It breaks for me, but mostly for you.

I have sentimental things that you were to inherit. You were so excited about getting grandpa’s gun that you asked if I would give it to you as soon as you were back from Afghanistan. I said, “We’ll see”. Why didn’t I say, “Yes”? Jake, I want to give you everything and now there is nothing I can do for you.

I was in Costco today for the first time since your death. I was shopping and feeling just fine until I saw the protein bars and the Jerky I would send in your care packages. Jake, I want to send you a care package. I want to make you smile. I want you to know I love you and that I’m thinking of you. I want to make your day better and happier. How can this purpose in my life be gone? I cared for you for almost 22 years and now I can’t. I can’t do anything for you. Will the pain ever go? Jake, I can’t imagine I will ever be able to live without you and be the same person I was before. I still pray for you and I still talk to you. I hope you can hear me.

I know you’re busy doing incredible things and I know you are helping everyone around you and that makes me smile, even through the tears. No mother has ever loved her boy more than I love you.

Jake,

I am laughing at you a little this morning! I had another dream. I’m sure there was more, but this what I remember: You had a black SUV and you had written motivating quotes all over it in white. It was in the parking lot at the high school and everyone was surrounding it and reading what you had written like it was changing their lives. Ray and I went into the school where you were giving a speech. I wish I remembered the details, but it was very Tony Robbins-like. As we left, you shook everybody’s hand and you told us, “That was the highlight of the year”. Ray said, “Maybe you should consider being a motivational speaker for a living” and you agreed as you proudly looked over your car! Such a funny scene!

Why do I find this so funny? You? Motivated? You would agree that when you lived at home, getting you to do anything was like pulling teeth. I knew when you left for basic training that your life would change and it did in so many ways. It taught you to be disciplined and organized, except at mom’s house! Now, that I look back, I am happy that my house was the only place you felt comfortable enough to truly relax.

Still, you have always been motivated to work hard for the things that were most important to you. I realize that the Jake the Army knew a different animal. I have heard nothing but great things about you and your work ethic. Jake, I am so proud of you and so proud that you became someone willing to risk your life for others. There is no greater sacrifice and although I wish you weren’t taken, I admire the choices you made.

This week your platoon went back to work at Fort Carson. I got this text message from one of your battle buddy’s wives, “Good morning, Heidi! I went to reintegration training with my husband this morning. When I walked outside, the field by the company was full of butterflies. I know your angel is watching over my husband and the rest of his battle buddies. I just wanted you to know that I am always thinking of you and your family, and you are always in my prayers”. I’m so grateful for those from the platoon who have gone out of their way to be in contact with me. I feel like I need them, never to replace you but you seem to live on through them. I am grateful for angels in heaven and angels on the Earth!

I had a tear-free day yesterday. It’s a little frustrating because it feels good to take a break from the crying, but then again, I feel the guilt. How can I have had a day without crying when I miss Jake so much? I think we establish expectations for ourselves and it can’t be healthy, especially with something as unpredictable as grief. It reminds me of the time I showed up at Jake’s grave without flowers and upon realizing it, I felt as if I was less than a loving mother. I wish I could remove all of the “supposed tos” out of my mind and give myself a break.

My grief has made my chronic illnesses more difficult. I have less energy and more pain. I’ve learned that I can only accomplish one big thing a day, but I foolishly compare my daily accomplishments to my pre-grief days. Today, I cleaned the office. Yesterday, I did the finances, so I still haven’t been to the grocery store. It used to be that I could focus on and complete all of that in one day.

I keep praying to feel better so that I can do more to serve others. I know that this is what the Lord expects, but I am not as good at it as I used to be. Does He understand? Does He cut me a break even when I don’t give myself one? He’s left me here for a reason, so there must be something I need to figure out. I don’t know where to start or even if it’s possible.

I’m not sure I will ever feel like myself again and I don’t understand the purpose of this. I just want to go back in time so my boy can be here and I can feel normal again. I miss him and I miss me. I miss feeling like a part of this world.

We went to our second Gold Star Family event. We met some nice people and made some good connections, but for me personally, there was more heartache than I could handle. I sent this letter off yesterday…

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Dear General XXXX,

I am a fairly new Gold Star mother. We spoke at the “Iowa Remembers” event in the parking lot, right after the balloon release. I am sending this letter to you because I am not sure who can help. Please pass it along to the people who might be able to use this information to make improvements.

I moved to Iowa the week before my only son, Jacob was KIA in Afghanistan on May 28, 2014. Having many adjustments to make, most importantly building a new and much needed support network, I attended the “Iowa Remembers” retreat this weekend to make new friends who understand my new struggles and my loss.

On Saturday, we were given our walk/run t-shirts and I was disappointed that my son was not included on the shirt. It was explained to me that these names are the names of Iowa’s fallen and my son is a Colorado’s fallen and that he will be honored there. I was assured he had not been forgotten and that at the end of the course on Sunday there would be flags and signs honoring each of the participants’ fallen family members and that Jacob would be included there. Sadly, we walked the row of flags twice and he was not included. He was forgotten. At that point, I simply left the event in tears.

Today is also my first Gold Star Mother’s day and the 4 month anniversary of Jake’s death. I had hoped that this Gold Star weekend would help me cope with these “firsts”. Instead it did the opposite, leaving me more broken-hearted than when I arrived. People always say that my son will never be forgotten and I feel as if his memory was forgotten and somehow not as important as the others who gave their lives for the same things Jacob made the ultimate sacrifice for. It might seem like a small thing, but seeing and hearing my son’s name, and seeing his face at these events keeps him alive for me in some way. It allows us to still participate in our children’s lives although they don’t continue here on this Earth.

Please consider these questions: What do Iowa parents do to be included in the celebrations of their fallen when their deceased child is a constituent of another state? I am told he will be celebrated there, but my assigned SOS and CAO are here and only have information about Iowa events. Even if I could find an event in Colorado that is honoring my son, what if I can’t afford to get there? How do I get that t-shirt? How do I see that flag honoring him?

If I did attend a Colorado’s fallen event, how does that benefit me in creating relationships and a support network here in Iowa? It seems to me that I must make a choice; to either attend in the state where my son is being honored or attend where I live to create a support network but be broken-hearted at the same time.

Would it be so difficult to list Iowa’s fallen on the shirt and in another place on the shirt, add the fallen of Iowans registered for the event? Sort of a list of honorary Iowan’s who made the ultimate sacrifice? I can’t imagine there would be more than a few. Isn’t there a way to include all of our fallen for the event so that no other participant experiences the grief I experienced this weekend?

In regards to the missing sign for Jacob, I understand that human error occurs. None of us are perfect, but forgetting even one fallen offers nothing but heartache for the survivors, especially brand new survivors like me who are still just trying to get through each moment of each day. I never want another Gold Star family member to feel that their hero was forgotten.

Please know that I am not angry, just sad. I hope this type of thing can be prevented in the future.

Sincerely,

Heidi J Katzenbach

GSM of PFC Jacob H Wykstra

Now, the tender mercy that made my day a bit better: Our friend who is a colonel, called to ask permission for Jake to be honored in Dover, Delaware for a run to remember the fallen! I got to write a special note to you, Jake. That note will be written on a boot to line the side of the road and your picture will be on the boot! What a wonderful thing to be honored in Dover; the very place where you came back home to us.

Our fallen cannot ever be forgotten even for a minute. I love you, Jake and I honor you in my heart every single day.

Late last night your platoon returned from Afghanistan! I had not been looking forward to this day because I thought it might be hard for me to see them return without you, until it actually happened. Remember when you would go out for the evening and I couldn’t sleep until I knew you were home and safe? That is exactly how I felt last night as I waited to know they had all arrived safely. There were some posts on facebook about how hard this day is, dwelling on the fact that they returned one short and how unfair it is. But I found myself so grateful that you were the only casualty. I prayed many prayers for the safety of your brothers, and as I thought about you I knew you had been watching over them and I could feel your joy. So I joined you in celebrating answered prayers and the happiness of these wonderful men who love you so much. There is one thing you most certainly knew in this life; Love.

I often pray to dream about you and it had only happened once in four months but it finally happened again last night. I had a dream and like most dreams it was strange but wonderful at the same time. There were a couple of family members there and we were getting ready for a party for your niece and we were all excited for you to be home but at the same time, we were sad because we knew you were going to die and didn’t know if we should tell you or just let it happen. I went to all of your favorite restaurants and brought home everything you loved to eat and you were so happy! You were laying on the floor on your stomach and I was rubbing your back and we were talking about normal things. You were trying to decide if you should go to the broncos game (as if that would be a tough decision for you) and I told you that I wanted you to do whatever would make you happy. I gave you a big hug from behind and you said, “Thanks Mom, I’ve missed that so much” and then I woke up. You were alive even if it was just a dream and I got to talk with you and touch you and you were alive! It was the first “good” day I’ve had in so long.

Lately, I’ve noticed that talking about you sometimes makes people uncomfortable. Maybe because they don’t know what to say, but I have become more aware of it recently, especially at church. Maybe some feel like I should be over it. Don’t they know that talking about you helps me heal? I don’t know if I should meet my needs or if I should try harder to make those around me more comfortable. It’s so hard to know what to do.

Is it weird that I keep wondering who will die next? I keep wondering who will leave and have the ability to be with you first. I wonder who I will grieve next. Death has become such a common daily thing that these strange thoughts come to me. I think my understanding of eternity might play a role in this too, as I know that I will see you again.

I’m still sad and grieving, but I’m doing okay. I’m still avoiding the contention in Colorado, but I will go for a visit after your platoon returns to meet some of your brothers. I miss you, Jake. I don’t think it will ever go away but I will keep relying on comfort from our Father in Heaven and from the many joyous and wonderful memories of you. I love you with all my heart.

Last weekend Ray and I took a road trip to Chicago to visit Jake’s Lieutenant. He is still hospitalized after 3.5 months. He has suffered brain damage from 2 strokes as a result of his injuries and is learning to talk, read and write all over again. We had a great visit, went to dinner with his family and managed to have conversation amidst his frustration with finding the right words. What a brave man!

I managed to keep my composure during our time together, but I knew the tears would come later and they did. The whole week stirred anger in me over war and the tragedies that come from hatred in the world. I became so angry,  and then I remembered the love, the bonds and the silver lining that comes with every tragedy. Everything has its opposite, and the opposite of hatred and war is love and kindness. I have no control over the hatred, but I try to follow the savior and serve those around me.

This morning, I finally felt well enough to take a walk with Max. It was cool, the sun was shining, the leaves were barely starting to change and blow around, and I could feel fall around me. For me, this is so significant! As I was admiring the start of my favorite season, I realized that all of summer came and went without notice from me.  My grief had consumed my capacity to feel and squelched normal things that have always brought me joy, like being outside with nature all around me. I didn’t notice that summer came and I didn’t notice that it went, but today I noticed fall.

Baseball season is almost over and I didn’t care to watch a single game. Now, the World Series are almost upon us and Jake isn’t here. It was a tradition of ours until he was about 16 and life got busier for him and I married Ray… We knew all of the teams and players and had so much fun making bets and predictions. A couple of weeks ago, I opened my night stand drawer and found two baseball cards that have been there since 2006. I remember the day so clearly. I was in bed after my wrist replacement surgery and Jake came in with these two cards; my two favorite players of the year. It seems like a small and simple gesture, but Jake was 14 and collected cards, and these two were treasures. That’s why he wanted me to have them. Jake always worried about my illnesses to the point that he seemed to have outward denial that I was sick at all. I think it helped him to always think of me as strong and healthy, but when I was really down, he was there to check on me and bring me treasures to cheer me up. I thought about putting the cards in his collection box sitting on my shelf, but instead, I returned them to the drawer where they have been for eight years and will likely stay for the rest of my days here on Earth. A reminder of special times that we shared.

Jake, Our favorite season is here and you are not. Please stay close to me and help me remember our times together. Although I will continue healing, I know I will never be the same without you. You are a part of me and I am a part of you in flesh, heart and spirit. I cannot articulate how much I miss you.

A tribute to you from the Colorado Rockies. I didn’t get to be there, but I know you were there and I know you must have loved it!

http://m.mlb.com/video/v35647343/miacol-rockies-honor-private-first-class-wykstra

As my day continues, I am becoming angry. I have always felt grief on the anniversary of the terrible terrorist attack that brought down the Twin Towers, but this time it’s different for me and I wasn’t prepared for it. It’s different because now, you weigh into the equation and it’s suddenly so personal. This horrible war that took your life was a consequence of this attack; of this day! Jake, you had just turned nine years old when this happened. Nine! You were riding your bike, and playing GI Joes and baseball without a care in the world. You were so young and innocent and unaware of just how wicked the world can be. I haven’t felt much anger since your death because I trust in the Lord, but this day is a hard one to accept.

There is now talk about sending troops to Syria and more to Iraq after repeated bombings. I guess were not finished in Iraq after all. Each time we claim defeat and pull out of the Middle East, a new terrorist organization evolves, ISIS, Hamas, still the Taliban and others. The world is a mess right now. I am so angry at the thought of even one more mother experiencing the loss I am experiencing. I often pray for peace, but then I remember that the Lord knows this will not happen. These are prophecies being fulfilled and we will all feel terror and loss. Are we to pray for something that seems impossible? I wish I knew.